We are all on a journey, some without realising. But, on a journey nonetheless. We can choose our path, accept it, change it or leave it. We all know the theory but still we sit in our mundane existence moaning about our personal pursuit of happiness and do nothing to alleviate our turmoil’s. Some of us believe we are trying to change our path, but in real terms all we are doing is filling time and whiling away days.
We can watch videos online and be motivated by other people’s ideals and marketing and we can yearn to walk a day in their virtual shoes, lulled into their false external world. But these people made a choice – they chose life… their life.
It’s not a set in stone plan for us all or a one size fits all formula. Every path is different, every life individual. A life with aspects, that works for that individual. My God Mother told me many years ago…… always stay true to one’s self – aged 10 I didn’t truly understand her but now pushing half a
century I have a better understanding. But staying true to yourself takes great courage. To not be morphed or lost at the hands of consequence of other people’s actions, takes determination in finding what makes us truly happy, what makes us warm on the inside. It takes perseverance and
guts.
I am 48 years old, privately educated from southern middle class England, I chose to move abroad and live in the heart of St Lucia, I was married at 21 to my best friend, I have lost two pregnancies and bore one beautiful being. I was cheated on and left to fend for myself with broken heart and no physical or emotional paternal support to our son, no job, no home and no money. I was asked to save him from deportation, so he could continue his path with someone new. I settled for the ‘norm’ and re married. I was mentally and emotionally abused for a 4 year constant period, scared in my own home. I broke my AC joint in an accident at work, I was left with a continuous constant pain and prolapsed disk in my neck, which could require surgery at any time. I was broken mentally, emotionally, physically and financially for a second time. I have been put under surveillance by two different bodies over a five year period, to no purpose or end. I have brought up my son alone. I have put him ‘out’, on the street, wiped his tears, taught him lessons, ignored him, been irritated by him, shouted at him, laughed with him and above all believed in him and loved him every day. I have been wrongfully accused. Ignored. Told I have no patience, no empathy and no compassion, that I am a malingerer, a liar and need physiological evaluation, to go ‘back to where I came from’ and possibly electric shock treatment (if it was still around, its the only thing missing!). I have been told I am rude, difficult, stubborn and an attention seeker. I have cried, hidden, blamed, and been angry, depressed, hurt and suicidal. I have tried to fit in, accept and take it on the chin.
This isn’t a competition; I am not illustrating points to outdo anyone. My point is purely I have lived. I have loved. I have lost, time and time again. I am tired, bored and disillusioned. I have seen the fire and thought about stepping into it, as an easier path, more than once. But then I have stood up, I have laughed, I have come to the realisation that I am me, I have a purpose, I have a path, a destiny and I am loved, firstly by me. This is my journey; this is my story of how I am going to find me, find my wings and fly. Not worry with how high they take me and who it leaves behind. I am sick of trying to tow the line and be someone else’s idea of me. I am tired of being afraid to walk my path alone. I am exhausted of visualising and living my destiny in my dreams. I am not afraid to be me. I double dare myself to be free, to be me.
First thing you must come to realise is I am far from perfect, and I struggle with my own demons, the first one being procrastination – I originally had this idea and wrote this piece in 2018 – 2 years ago. I am now 50, celebrated that one in the first lockdown! Since writing this originally I have had an operation to reconstruct my shoulder, utilising someone else’s hamstring, been forced alongside the rest of the world into a pandemic, been made redundant and contemplated living under the stairs is actually not a bad idea!
But then I have also discovered an array of historical houses through the National Trust, walked the hills of Sussex and Surrey, discovered the beauty of the South Downs Way, ignited artistic flare, played with glass fusion and recycling, bought an overly expensive and not necessarily needed vehicle (but I do look quite good in it and it definitely turns heads!) and laughed. I have laughed an awful lot with what I can only describe as some of the most beautiful and awesome people I have had the pleasure to cross paths with!
Welcome! I hope you enjoy the ride, the experiences and the thoughts. I hope you walk your own path as a result and you share your thoughts, dreams, motivations and experiences with me so we can grow together.